My Bible Green Prosperity Handkerchief with special Touch Point Miracle Healing feature

"Mercedes Benz"

Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a Mercedes Benz?
My friends all drive Porsches, I must make amends.
Worked hard all my lifetime, no help from my friends,
So Lord, won’t you buy me a Mercedes Benz?

Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a color TV?
Dialing For Dollars is trying to find me.
I wait for delivery each day until three,
So oh Lord, won’t you buy me a color TV?

Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a night on the town?
I’m counting on you, Lord, please don’t let me down.
Prove that you love me and buy the next round,
Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a night on the town?

Everybody!
Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a Mercedes Benz?
My friends all drive Porsches, I must make amends,
Worked hard all my lifetime, no help from my friends,
So oh Lord, won’t you buy me a Mercedes Benz?
Lyrics by Janis Joplin

So, as I mentioned on a previous blog, I was watching tv the other night and ran across an infomercial by the Reverend Don Stewart. He was offering his Bible Green Prosperity Handkerchief with special Touch Point Miracle Healing feature free to the public. All I had to do was call into his 800 number and say my name and address S-L-O-W-L-Y and repeatedly, spelling it over and over, to an automated system which sounded like it was geared for "special" people. And by special I mean retarded.

Still, I wanted that Bible Green Prosperity Handkerchief with special Touch Point Miracle Healing feature from God, so I persisted.

Three days later my BGHSTPMHF arrived in the mail. I was thrilled.

I ripped open the envelope with glee and discovered a lovely 7” x 7” square of Bible green poly/cotton cloth folded neatly into thirds. Just to show that it was meant for me personally, it had a white label attached. The label was neatly typed and had my name, home address and a command to -- “Write the amount of money you need here $_______.” There was another line below that and beneath this line, another command to “Sign your name here, claiming Matthew 18:19.” Wow, miracles AND interactive mail. Oh joy!

The two page letter on (legal sized paper, I might add) that came with my Bible Green Prosperity Handkerchief with special Touch Point Miracle Healing feature gave further and more detailed instructions. It said I was to “write your name....and the amount of money you need to pay all your bills or other needs” on the Bible Green Prosperity Handkerchief with special Touch Point Miracle Healing feature.

I was a little confused by these instructions since my name (err, alias) was clearly printed on the label already. Even worse, I wasn’t sure how much all my bills totaled, since the last time I added them all up was a couple years ago when I applied for food stamps. (Which I got btw! A whole $10 worth. Thanks Texas!) So, just to be safe, I wrote in $1,000,000,000.

Next, the instructions said I was to “touch your forehead with the Hanky.” (Yes, it really said “Hanky.”) According to the letter, this was the "touch point for healing.” Excited, I slapped it to my forehead, anxious for the fixin’ to begin. (I’m still waiting, fingers crossed.)

The third step said I was to put the Bible Green Prosperity Handkerchief with special Touch Point Miracle Healing feature in my billfold or check book or something that “represents your finances” and leave it there for “TONIGHT ONLY!” And because the Apostle Don Stewart must think my need for healing may involve reading comprehension or short-term memory loss or at the least, eye problems, the instructions also said in bold all caps “ONE NIGHT ONLY!” This (among other things) was repeated several times in the letter, often circled in green ink. Sheesh, I gets it already!

The fourth step in receiving “God’s Abundance and Healing in my life” was to, “first thing in the morning,” put the Bible Green Prosperity Handkerchief with special Touch Point Miracle Healing feature in the self-addressed envelope and return it to Apostle Don so he could “anoint it with oil” and send it back to me with The Prophecy. He likewise stressed over and over that, under no condition, was I to keep the Bible Green Prosperity Handkerchief with special Touch Point Miracle Healing feature. No, I was to return it ASAP, so as not to break the flowing of “God’s Spirit” from Apostle Don Stewart’s “Secret Place of Prayer” to me. Only one word came to mind when I envisioned Apostle Don’s “Secret Place” and the word was “ICKY!” Well, maybe two words, “ICKY” and “NOOOO!”

The last step to receiving Healing and big Miracle bucks from heaven was for me to give to a donation to God via Apostle Don. He called on me to “sacrifice” by sending God my “best”--best $30, $50, $100 or $500 that is. I was to give my best, even if my best, was my last penny. Ouch!

The final enticement to heavenly sacrifice and the resultant blessings, was the addition of a Green Prosperity Prayer Page form. It had 6 lines I was supposed to fill in with what I wanted Apostle Don to pray for me to receive. I was bedazzled by the possibilities. Oh gosh, where to start? An accessible minivan? More money? Fame? A new spine? Equal length legs? For the snickering and pointing to stop? Or maybe something big, like World Peace? or the end of Spam? Hmmm. Choices, choices.

On the flip side of the Prayer Page were numerous testimonials by people who had received miracles from God after sending in their Bible Green Prosperity Handkerchief with special Touch Point Miracle Healing feature (and sacrifice of $$, of course). My favorite one was from Elizabeth who said --


“I received $113,000.00 and a brand-new Mercedes Benz when I made a Vow.”

Oh my Gawd! Now I see that miracles really do happen, if you only believe...and call Don Stewart’s 800 number to receive your Bible Green Prosperity Handkerchief with special Touch Point Miracle Healing feature!

Praise Bee!

OR click here for your very own free Bible Green Prosperity Handkerchief with special Touch Point Miracle Healing feature OR you go to www.donstewarttv.com


Hint: All aliases accepted on online form. (ie. DON'T USE YOUR REAL NAME FOR CRAPS SAKE!!)

OR you can write to the Apostle Don Stewart at the address below.