My Bible Green Prosperity Handkerchief with special Touch Point Miracle Healing feature

"Mercedes Benz"

Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a Mercedes Benz?
My friends all drive Porsches, I must make amends.
Worked hard all my lifetime, no help from my friends,
So Lord, won’t you buy me a Mercedes Benz?

Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a color TV?
Dialing For Dollars is trying to find me.
I wait for delivery each day until three,
So oh Lord, won’t you buy me a color TV?

Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a night on the town?
I’m counting on you, Lord, please don’t let me down.
Prove that you love me and buy the next round,
Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a night on the town?

Everybody!
Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a Mercedes Benz?
My friends all drive Porsches, I must make amends,
Worked hard all my lifetime, no help from my friends,
So oh Lord, won’t you buy me a Mercedes Benz?
Lyrics by Janis Joplin

So, as I mentioned on a previous blog, I was watching tv the other night and ran across an infomercial by the Reverend Don Stewart. He was offering his Bible Green Prosperity Handkerchief with special Touch Point Miracle Healing feature free to the public. All I had to do was call into his 800 number and say my name and address S-L-O-W-L-Y and repeatedly, spelling it over and over, to an automated system which sounded like it was geared for "special" people. And by special I mean retarded.

Still, I wanted that Bible Green Prosperity Handkerchief with special Touch Point Miracle Healing feature from God, so I persisted.

Three days later my BGHSTPMHF arrived in the mail. I was thrilled.

I ripped open the envelope with glee and discovered a lovely 7” x 7” square of Bible green poly/cotton cloth folded neatly into thirds. Just to show that it was meant for me personally, it had a white label attached. The label was neatly typed and had my name, home address and a command to -- “Write the amount of money you need here $_______.” There was another line below that and beneath this line, another command to “Sign your name here, claiming Matthew 18:19.” Wow, miracles AND interactive mail. Oh joy!

The two page letter on (legal sized paper, I might add) that came with my Bible Green Prosperity Handkerchief with special Touch Point Miracle Healing feature gave further and more detailed instructions. It said I was to “write your name....and the amount of money you need to pay all your bills or other needs” on the Bible Green Prosperity Handkerchief with special Touch Point Miracle Healing feature.

I was a little confused by these instructions since my name (err, alias) was clearly printed on the label already. Even worse, I wasn’t sure how much all my bills totaled, since the last time I added them all up was a couple years ago when I applied for food stamps. (Which I got btw! A whole $10 worth. Thanks Texas!) So, just to be safe, I wrote in $1,000,000,000.

Next, the instructions said I was to “touch your forehead with the Hanky.” (Yes, it really said “Hanky.”) According to the letter, this was the "touch point for healing.” Excited, I slapped it to my forehead, anxious for the fixin’ to begin. (I’m still waiting, fingers crossed.)

The third step said I was to put the Bible Green Prosperity Handkerchief with special Touch Point Miracle Healing feature in my billfold or check book or something that “represents your finances” and leave it there for “TONIGHT ONLY!” And because the Apostle Don Stewart must think my need for healing may involve reading comprehension or short-term memory loss or at the least, eye problems, the instructions also said in bold all caps “ONE NIGHT ONLY!” This (among other things) was repeated several times in the letter, often circled in green ink. Sheesh, I gets it already!

The fourth step in receiving “God’s Abundance and Healing in my life” was to, “first thing in the morning,” put the Bible Green Prosperity Handkerchief with special Touch Point Miracle Healing feature in the self-addressed envelope and return it to Apostle Don so he could “anoint it with oil” and send it back to me with The Prophecy. He likewise stressed over and over that, under no condition, was I to keep the Bible Green Prosperity Handkerchief with special Touch Point Miracle Healing feature. No, I was to return it ASAP, so as not to break the flowing of “God’s Spirit” from Apostle Don Stewart’s “Secret Place of Prayer” to me. Only one word came to mind when I envisioned Apostle Don’s “Secret Place” and the word was “ICKY!” Well, maybe two words, “ICKY” and “NOOOO!”

The last step to receiving Healing and big Miracle bucks from heaven was for me to give to a donation to God via Apostle Don. He called on me to “sacrifice” by sending God my “best”--best $30, $50, $100 or $500 that is. I was to give my best, even if my best, was my last penny. Ouch!

The final enticement to heavenly sacrifice and the resultant blessings, was the addition of a Green Prosperity Prayer Page form. It had 6 lines I was supposed to fill in with what I wanted Apostle Don to pray for me to receive. I was bedazzled by the possibilities. Oh gosh, where to start? An accessible minivan? More money? Fame? A new spine? Equal length legs? For the snickering and pointing to stop? Or maybe something big, like World Peace? or the end of Spam? Hmmm. Choices, choices.

On the flip side of the Prayer Page were numerous testimonials by people who had received miracles from God after sending in their Bible Green Prosperity Handkerchief with special Touch Point Miracle Healing feature (and sacrifice of $$, of course). My favorite one was from Elizabeth who said --


“I received $113,000.00 and a brand-new Mercedes Benz when I made a Vow.”

Oh my Gawd! Now I see that miracles really do happen, if you only believe...and call Don Stewart’s 800 number to receive your Bible Green Prosperity Handkerchief with special Touch Point Miracle Healing feature!

Praise Bee!

OR click here for your very own free Bible Green Prosperity Handkerchief with special Touch Point Miracle Healing feature OR you go to www.donstewarttv.com


Hint: All aliases accepted on online form. (ie. DON'T USE YOUR REAL NAME FOR CRAPS SAKE!!)

OR you can write to the Apostle Don Stewart at the address below.

God's Master Plan

What is God’s master plan? This is a question hotly debated by millions of people for thousands of years. It has caused religions to splinter and nations to war because each thought only they had the right answer to the question. On a personal note, it is the question which ultimately cracked the wall of my own mental imprisonment and set me free from my slavery to theism.

Now, no longer does humanity (or at least North American humanity) have to ponder the question of God’s master plan, because The Apostle Don Stewart will reveal the answer for a mere $19.99 a month!

Quoted text clipped from
https://www.donstewarttv.com/GodsMasterPlan/WhatisGodsMasterPlan/tabid/4458/Default.aspx

“This program contains many truths God has given to me in over 40 years of ministry. I have worked personally with thousands of people with needs and problems in their lives. God has used me to help many of them find the answers they were looking for.

So I understand your situation. I have walked where you walk. I know the problems, hardships, worries and burdens you have to deal with, and I believe God has shown me a way to be victorious and live a full and happy life.

That’s what this program is all about.

When you subscribe to the God’s Master Plan program for a suggested monthly donation of $19.99, you will gain access to portions of my web site that are available to God’s Master Plan members only.

Each week there will be a different devotional that I have personally written to help you receive your miracle.

Every month, you will be e-mailed a special unlocking key to another part of my book, God’s Master Plan for a Better Life. You can download that section to print, read on your computer or if you prefer, listen to it as an MP3 download.

I have worked harder on this Program than almost anything else I have ever done. The truths I am including in these pages are very precious to me. I want to share them with you because I know they will help you. In just twelve months this program can revolutionize your life and change your world…for the better. I believe your life will be different from this day forward, as you experience God’s Master Plan.

Don Stewart

* A password to view the God’s Master Plan only parts of the Don Stewart website.


* A weekly devotional message directly from Don Stewart exclusively for God’s Master Plan members.


* A special unlocking key sent each month for twelve months, which will unlock another portion of Don Stewart’s book God’s Master Plan for a Better Life, which you can print, read on your computer or even download in an audio version to listen to as an MP3. Read by Don Stewart!

* Receive special messages and e-mails from Don Stewart.

* Receive a personalized membership card in the mail that proves you are following God’s Master Plan.


Create a member account. Step 1 of 2

Email:
Username:
Password:*

Unlike some of the other sites I have blogged about in the past, this one is NOT a joke, satire or parody of religion. It is teeth gnashingly FOR REAL. I shit you not.

I saw this guy, Don Stewart, on a late night infomercial...Not a Sunday morning prayer show, not a tear-jearker-healing-4-bucks religion TV channel show. No, the Apostle Don show was airing on BET in a Paid Advertising slot as an infomercial. I repeat, I am NOT kidding. This is an example of theism at it’s best (worst) -- preying on the poor, the disabled, the ignorant, the desperate FOR MONEY.

Rack it up as one more reason to be an atheist. Or at least distance yourself from religion(s) as far as possible.

ps. Step 2 of 2 on Don’s master plan sign up page requires you to provide a credit card number. Evidently, God accepts mastercard, visa and discover card. How swell.

~

"But for the grace of God....”

How many times have you been watching TV news and they interview someone who almost died -- in a car wreck or bus crash or gun shot or fall or some “act of God” like a flood, tornado, etc., -- and the person gives thanks to God or Jesus? Some times the person has lost a limb or an eye or a loved one but survived, just barely. Yet no matter how horrific the event, still the survivor will inevitably utter those famous 6 words; “But for the grace of God...” and then go on to say how if the bullet had just been 1 worm’s hair to the right or the rescuer a teeny-tiny bit slower to pull him/her out of the rubble of the double-wide, they would have died. And this means God or Jesus was “there” for them. Whenever I hear somebody say this phrase or the other one about how God must have a “reason” and a purpose for them and that’s why He saved his/her life, I just laugh. I can’t help it. I giggle. And no matter how many times I hear some one say it, it’s just as funny as the first time I heard it.

I just love that joke.

I mean, it’s got to be joke, right? Who would actually be crazy enough or dumb enough to say thank you to a person who just stood by and watched them get their legs ripped off or their best friend carried away in a flood or worse? Hell, in Texas they not only don't think it's funny. They think sitting and watching a crime go down is just as bad as doing it. In fact, they send you to Death Row for that kind of thing. But I digress.

Back to the God-spared-me joke. I think it is especially funny when people praise God after a calamity, when you stop to consider the fact these same people think God is all powerful and thus could have prevented the whole thing from happening at all. Yet they are grateful. Loony. It’s like that guy who said “I’m sorry” to Cheney for getting shot in the face by Cheney. Hilarious but loony.

I mean, if God was really looking out for the person wouldn’t ol’ Yahweh have just made that pickup truck swerve instead of plowing into the car head-on and taking out half the family, thereby leaving only one survivor to say, “thanks, God”? Seems like averting the accident entirely would have been a whole lot more miraculous, not to mention better for the family. Makes no sense. But then, I think well, maybe the speaker thinks God is like a redneck Nascar fan -- he just likes watching a good car wreck now and then. And who can blame God for that? Ha.

Oh, God you DO have a sense of humor. Don’t you?

And just to show you how funny He is, look at all these web sites He has allowed to be created:

http://www.godlessgeeks.com/LINKS/Humor.html
http://www.yo-god.com/
http://www.yo-god.com/faq.htm
http://www.landoverbaptist.org/
http://jesusoftheweek.com/jesii/458/index.html
http://www.freethunk.net/freethought.htm
http://groups.msn.com/AtheistVSGod/_homepage.msnw?pgmarket=en-us

Praise Jesus!